Canada Quietly Notes It Could Build A Bomb, Also Please Don't Make Us
Defence analysts confirmed this week that Canada's theoretical path to nuclear weapons is now measured in months rather than years, a revelation Ottawa greeted with the same enthusiasm as a Grade 10 student informed they could technically drop out.
"We have the uranium, the reactors, the physicists, and the CANDU expertise," said one official, staring at his shoes. "We just don't have the, you know. Desire. Please put that in the article. The lack of desire part."
Sources close to the file say the government's official nuclear posture remains "extremely anti," followed by "but if pressed," followed by a long silence and someone changing the subject to housing. Prime Minister Carney reportedly asked aides whether Canada could simply gesture at the capability without acquiring it, a doctrine insiders are calling Schrödinger's Deterrent.
The Department of National Defence stressed that any Canadian bomb would be polite, apologise upon detonation, and come with bilingual labelling. It would also, per procurement tradition, be delivered in 2043 at four times the original budget and require a parliamentary committee to determine whose riding gets the assembly plant.
Asked what would actually prompt Canada to reconsider, one senior official offered a scenario involving the annexation of Manitoba. Asked if that scenario felt hypothetical, he stared out the window for a full minute and said he'd get back to us.