Trump Vows Tariffs On Canadian Wildfire Smoke, Demands Ottawa Extinguish Weather
In a Truth Social post composed entirely in capital letters and, curiously, three different fonts, President Trump announced he would impose sweeping tariffs on Canada until it stops exporting wildfire smoke to the United States.
"They're SENDING their smoke, and it's not their best smoke," the president wrote. "We want the CLEAN air back. Ottawa will pay."
Officials at Global Affairs Canada spent Thursday morning trying to determine which HS tariff code applies to atmospheric particulate that crosses the border of its own accord. A junior trade analyst reportedly suggested Chapter 27, subheading "mineral fuels, sort of, if you squint."
Meanwhile, in Boston Bar, B.C., two wildfires merged into one larger fire while several residents continued refusing to evacuate, citing a strong personal relationship with their gazebo. The province gently noted that the fire does not recognize the gazebo.
Prime Minister Carney, asked whether Canada would retaliate, said the government was "considering all options," a phrase Ottawa uses when it has considered exactly one option and rejected it. Environment Minister Steven Guilbeault offered to personally apologize to each affected American state, starting alphabetically, which aides estimate will take until roughly the next federal election.
At the White House, a reporter asked how a country imposes tariffs on smoke. The president said this was exactly the kind of negative question that got the media in trouble, and moved on to announcing tariffs on the moon for being too bright over Mar-a-Lago.
Health Canada issued its standard advisory: close your windows, limit outdoor activity, and try not to inhale the news.