New Gordie Howe Bridge Deal Unveiled, Now Includes Extra Lane For American Cars Fleeing Their Own Country
The renegotiated Gordie Howe International Bridge agreement was quietly released this week, and while officials insist the numbers are broadly comparable to the original 2018 arrangement, close readers noticed a few new line items.
The updated deal reportedly includes contingency funding for what one Windsor engineer described as "an unusually high projected volume of northbound minivans containing entire families and a hastily packed goldendoodle." The southbound lanes, by contrast, have been slimmed down to accommodate what planners politely call "reduced enthusiasm."
Infrastructure Minister staff noted the cost has grown, as costs tend to do when a bridge takes a decade to build and the currency on one side of it keeps behaving like it is trying to lose a bet. Contractors confirmed the span is still on track to open, using the Canadian definition of "on track," which means eventually and with a polite apology attached.
The bridge is named for Gordie Howe, a man who spent his career quietly elbowing Americans in the ribs while smiling. Officials say the symbolism was not intentional but they are not going to correct anyone who brings it up.
A small ceremonial toll booth has been added at the centre of the span, staffed by a single border officer whose only job is to ask arriving Americans, gently, if they are okay.