FDA Declares Diarrhea Outbreak A False Positive, Leaving Canadians To Wonder What A True Positive Feels Like
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has walked back its identification of the source of a diarrhea-causing outbreak, declaring the earlier finding a false positive and returning the investigation to what regulators politely call "square one" and what everyone else calls "the bathroom."
Canadian public health officials, who had been quietly updating their own advisories in the neighbourhood of the American announcement, were left holding a press release with nowhere to put it. "We were told it was the lettuce. Then it wasn't the lettuce. Now the lettuce is suing for defamation," said one Health Canada spokesperson, speaking on the condition that we not ask her any follow-up questions about lettuce.
The FDA offered reassurance that its testing protocols remain sound, which is roughly the tone a plumber uses right before quoting you for a new floor. Officials declined to name what the outbreak's actual source might be, citing the ongoing investigation and, one suspects, a growing suspicion that it could be almost anything on the continent.
In Ottawa, the Public Health Agency of Canada issued its own careful statement noting that Canadians should continue to wash produce, wash their hands, and, where possible, wash their hands of American food safety announcements entirely. Grocers in Toronto reported a run on bottled water and a curious spike in interest in root vegetables, which people apparently trust because they grow in the dark and keep to themselves.
The FDA promises an update soon. Canadians are advised to stay near a washroom while waiting.