Republicans Discover Northern Border, Immediately Suspicious of It
Republican lawmakers south of the 49th have identified a new threat to American security: the enormous, mostly frozen line separating them from a country whose most aggressive export is Shania Twain.
The numbers, as CBC helpfully pointed out, do not cooperate with the narrative. Northbound fentanyl seizures at the Canadian border remain a rounding error next to the southern one. Illegal crossings into the U.S. from Canada are outnumbered by the moose that wander across by accident and turn back after reading the signage.
Undeterred, senators have proposed additional surveillance towers, drones, and what one aide described as "vibes-based enforcement." The plan reportedly involves stationing agents in Buffalo to watch for anything that seems too polite to be American.
Ottawa, for its part, has responded with the standard Canadian defence posture: a strongly worded press release, a photo op in a fleece vest, and a quiet reminder that most of the contraband actually moves the other direction, in the form of handguns smuggled north in the trunks of rental sedans.
Prime Minister Carney was asked whether Canada would retaliate. He said the government was reviewing its options, which is the Ottawa dialect for "no."
Meanwhile, a Montana congressman told reporters the border was "wide open," gesturing at a map that turned out to be Saskatchewan. When informed that Saskatchewan is, in fact, a province and not a smuggling corridor, he paused, squinted, and asked if that was also a security threat.