Canada Reaches World Cup Knockouts, Discovers New Form of National Anxiety
For the first time in the men's World Cup, Canada has advanced to the knockout stage, a sentence Canadians are practising aloud in mirrors to make sure it's grammatical.
The team finished second in Group B after a 2-1 loss to Switzerland, which in any other sport would be cause for a quiet apology to the country. In soccer, it is somehow a triumph. Captain Alphonso Davies, used as a decoy on Wednesday because he wasn't ready to play, has now achieved the rare honour of being internationally feared while sitting down.
Fans at BMO Field and BC Place are adjusting to the strange new behaviour of caring about a sport where nobody checks anyone into the boards. A Calgarian designer, responsible for Team Canada's jerseys, is reportedly being asked by relatives whether she can also redesign the offside rule to be more intuitive.
South of the border, the US co-hosts have already clinched a Round of 32 spot and face Turkey next, having spent the week explaining to domestic audiences that yes, this is the same World Cup, and no, the Super Bowl is not in it. The US also eased travel restrictions on Iran's team two days before their next match, a diplomatic manoeuvre that took less time than approving a Toronto bike lane.
Meanwhile, the clock has officially started on the 2027 Women's World Cup, which Canadians will be expected to care about with the same intensity, on roughly forty minutes' notice. The Commonwealth Games track team, led by De Grasse, is bracing for the moment in August when the country remembers other sports exist.