Goldfish Outperforms Entire Sports Media Industry
Canada won its first ever men's World Cup match yesterday, a result correctly forecast by Swimbappé, a goldfish in a bowl, and almost nobody else.
The victory over Qatar was dampened only slightly by an injury to midfielder Ismaël Koné and by the realization that a fish with a three-second memory has a better predictive record than every panel show on Canadian television. Sportsnet, which just announced that NHL fans will soon have to pay to watch games on its streaming service, is reportedly studying whether Swimbappé can be put behind a paywall as well.
Meanwhile, Mexico has already become the first country to reach the knockout stage, prompting polite Canadian congratulations and the quiet relocation of several Toronto bandwagons south. The United States, the third co-host, continues its tournament strategy of mostly being mentioned in passing, while Ivory Coast confirmed striker Elye Wahi will be allowed into Canada for the team's next match, narrowly avoiding the country's traditional World Cup contribution of a visa dispute.
Goalkeeper Max Crépeau is being credited with doing his part, which in Canadian sporting culture is the highest possible compliment, ranking just above "showed up" and just below "was pretty good out there."
Swimbappé could not be reached for comment, as he was busy eating a flake and then forgetting about it. Sportsnet executives are believed to be drafting a tiered subscription model in which basic fans see the bowl, and premium fans see the fish.