Trump Marks 80th With Cage Fight, Because Cake Is for the Weak
The President of the United States celebrated his 80th birthday the way any octogenarian dreams of: with a ringside seat at a UFC event held on the White House lawn, surrounded by men who punch each other for a living and a crowd cheering for a man who can no longer reliably climb stairs unassisted.
The event was billed as a celebration of American strength, which is now apparently measured in pay-per-view buys. Aides confirmed the President received the traditional birthday gifts of an oil futures briefing (down, after he promised an Iran deal Friday), an unsigned Iran deal, and a slavery exhibit at the Smithsonian whose fate, per NPR, "hangs in the balance." The last one was reportedly not wrapped.
Observers noted the optics of an 80-year-old commander in chief watching young men get concussed for entertainment, on the same week Canadian scientists announced new efforts to diagnose CTE in living patients rather than waiting for the autopsy. American officials clarified that in their system, the autopsy remains the preferred diagnostic tool, and also the preferred method of policy review.
The President is said to have enjoyed the main event enormously, although he left before the third round to sign something, or possibly to not sign something. Staff declined to specify which. Friday is still on the calendar. Several Fridays are, in fact, still on the calendar.