Gordie Howe Bridge to Open Despite White House Frowning Very Hard at It
Prime Minister Mark Carney confirmed this week that the Gordie Howe International Bridge will open on schedule, connecting Windsor and Detroit with six lanes of fresh asphalt and roughly forty years of accumulated grievance.
The White House, asked for comment, reiterated that President Trump's opposition to the bridge 'has not changed,' a position somewhat undermined by the fact that the bridge is already there. Officials would not specify what form the opposition takes, though sources suggest it largely involves looking at the bridge and not liking it.
Carney, for his part, declined to escalate, noting only that the structure is named after a hockey player who once scored a goal, took an assist, and got in a fight in the same shift. 'Gordie would have understood the moment,' the Prime Minister said, in the tone of a man who has read exactly one Gordie Howe anecdote and intends to use it for the rest of his political career.
The bridge itself remains neutral on the controversy, though engineers confirm it is structurally indifferent to executive displeasure. Canadian border officers have been instructed to wave through American motorists with the polite, faintly disappointed expression normally reserved for relatives who show up to dinner without bringing anything.
Ribbon-cutting is scheduled for later this week. The ribbon, sources confirm, will be cut with Canadian scissors, manufactured in Ontario, and subject to a 25 percent tariff on the way home.