Canada Slides Into Recession, Fans Still Asked to Pay $400 for a Group-Stage Ticket
Statistics Canada confirmed the country slipped into a technical recession in the first quarter, defined as two consecutive quarters of Canadians saying 'well, things could be worse' while quietly cancelling streaming subscriptions.
The timing is, as economists say, suboptimal. FIFA has noticed that World Cup matches in Toronto are not selling out, and has responded with the time-honoured strategy of blaming the fans. Organisers expressed puzzlement that residents of a recessionary city are reluctant to spend the equivalent of a hydro bill to watch Group F at BMO Field, where the cheapest seats start somewhere between 'mortgage payment' and 'minor dental work.'
One Toronto supporter interviewed outside Union Station said he was thrilled the country was hosting the tournament, and equally thrilled he would be watching it on a friend's projector in a Scarborough basement. 'The atmosphere will be excellent,' he said. 'We have a two-four and a bootleg stream from Albania.'
Federal officials insist the recession is technical, which is the word governments use when they want you to feel the data is the problem and not the economy. The Bank of Canada is reportedly considering rate cuts, ticket subsidies, or simply moving the tournament to a Costco parking lot in Vaughan, where the hot dog is still $1.50 and the vibes are, by every measurable indicator, better.