Germany Offers Canada Four Submarines, Arriving Sometime After the Heat Death of the Pacific
Germany has formally pledged to deliver Canada four submarines by 2036, a timeline that gives Ottawa a full decade to decide which ocean to lose them in.
The pitch arrives as Canada considers its defence procurement options, a process historically measured in geological epochs. Officials reportedly favoured the German bid because the alternative was waiting until 2041, or asking the Royal Canadian Navy to keep duct-taping the Victoria-class fleet, vessels older than most of the sailors operating them.
"Four submarines by 2036 is a serious commitment," said a defence analyst who asked to remain anonymous because she would like to be taken seriously again someday. "It works out to roughly one submarine every 2.5 years, or, in Canadian procurement terms, lightning fast."
The Germans, for their part, are reportedly thrilled. Berlin gets a marquee export contract, Canadian shipyards get a side order of subcontracting work, and everyone gets to ignore the fact that the Northwest Passage will, by 2036, likely be navigable by pontoon boat.
Prime Ministerial sources say the submarines will be "Arctic-capable," a phrase that in Canadian defence documents traditionally means "painted white." The vessels will reportedly come equipped with sonar, torpedoes, and a small plaque reminding the crew that the original order was placed during the second Trudeau government.
Asked whether four submarines would be enough to patrol the world's longest coastline, the analyst paused. "It's four more than we'll have in 2035," she said. "Manage your expectations accordingly."