Trump's Ambassador Baffled That Annexation Talk Has Soured the Mood
The U.S. ambassador to Ottawa told reporters this week he genuinely cannot understand why Canadians seem so frustrated lately, a confession delivered with the slack-jawed sincerity of a man who has just kicked a dog and is asking why it won't fetch.
The ambassador, whose president has spent eighteen months floating tariffs, musing about the 51st state, and referring to the prime minister as a governor, suggested that Canadians may simply be misreading the tone. He encouraged everyone to take a deep breath and consider the relationship in its proper context, which is presumably the one where the larger neighbour periodically threatens to eat you.
Polling released the same day found that 71 percent of Canadians now refuse to buy American bourbon, 64 percent have cancelled a Florida trip, and a statistically improbable number claim to have always preferred Mexican avocados anyway. A Tim Hortons in Moose Jaw has reportedly started labelling its coffee lids in metric out of spite.
Pressed on whether the administration's rhetoric might be a factor, the ambassador offered that Canadians have always been a little sensitive, and that perhaps a charm offensive was in order. He then announced a new tariff on Canadian softwood, maple syrup, and, inexplicably, curling brooms.
Ottawa has not responded officially, though one senior official was overheard muttering that the ambassador's confusion was, at last, the one thing in the file that felt authentically diplomatic.